The Idealization of Alexis

Today is national depression, mental health, alcoholic, and eating disorder screening day. I went down to the screening to check it out. See I suffer from any of the above. The screening was purely informational however, they recommend that I go back and seek future analysis and screening for all of the following: depression, bipolar and other mood disorders, and general anxiety disorder. The truth is, I am not at all surprised with these results, I am just surprised to finally have the evidence.

So I am going to make an appointment sometime tomorrow to get further examination. Mental illness does fun in my family, and if I had to decide which of the grandchildren would be the canidate most likely for these disorders, I would say me before anyone else.

I only have one class and may or may not have to work, dependent upon the fact of whether or not I have mononucleosis. Regardless, I feel tired all time, several times a day I debate back and forth about several ongoing issues. I look for solace in my writing because that is the one thing I find I can understand myself through. I have been skipping classes because I have felt ill now, for quite a while.

I cannot remember the last time I went to art, english, psychology. I have a test in psychology tomorrow, this is simply ironic and bittersweet. Psychology has always been a subject I have understood naturally. I think it has something to do with the fact that my mother majored in it. Also I question her motivation in that major, sometimes I wonder if she did it to further understand her family. This makes so much sense to me and it makes me see her in a different light, someone that is searching for answers, someone like me.

It's funny now, to read my last posts in this journal. It is a bit nostalgic for me and since I tend to be nostalgic anyway, I find it to be a very good thing. I am very ill. It might just be my imagination again, I am professional hypochondriac; however, I do not believe so this time around. I feel sick emotionally, mentally, and physically. I feel myself falling into a state of despair. I keep wondering if this college, this city, is the place for me.

I was feeling terrible last night but then one of my best friends called me. We always have the best conversations, they last hours and they are so wandering and delightful. It is such a freeing feeling to be able to just to speak to him, about exactly what is on my mind. It's freeing because I get to release all that information out onto someone else and also because he accepts me. He tells me that I am one special person in his life.

I like his views on so many things. Such as most people look for the meaning in their life in the grand scale but if you look at your life and the duties and accomplishments or efforts that you make on a daily bases them you start to realize that there is not unnecessarily a path completely preconceived of what you were to accomplish or do but rather a set of instruction and you have the choice to read them, follow them, take something from them, or completely disregard them but it's your choice.

It's exciting to me that the life that I lead is now 100% up to me, but at the same time that thought is all too real and scary. I am afraid of letting people down. My friend informed me that letting people down, is a human thing. I am human, I am allowed to make mistakes and bad choices if I so please.

He and I discusses our ever growing disdain for society and money. I wonder if these feelings are good or bad. Sometimes I feel like I am finally wising up as far as having a good relationship with God goes, then at other times I feel like I am just falling apart at the seams for everyone to see all of me, exposed.

I wish sometimes that I could be exposed as something, maybe then I would know what it is that I am, what it is I am here for. I wish I could just write my life like a plot to a play. I think I want to write a screenplay and make enough income to leave the rest of this world behind. Daily, I see the evidence that the love of money, truly is the most evil of things. I want to escape this part of the world, of this part of society but everyone seems to be corrupted by it and no one seems to be real.

My reality is different than most, I have come to understand that. Indeed we do create our own reality which is full of our own truths. I wish my truth would expose itself.

I am not allowed to stay up usually past 11:30 even during the summer at my house. I also have trouble getting to sleep at the time that my parents wish me to be in bed asleep save and sound. I can't sleep I am always thinking too much. So is really late or really early which ever way you look at it, i must have obviously disobeyed. But no, you are wrong, I have just come to spend the night with Ashley, and when she sleeps I cannot, for I stay away hours after she is as asleep as she will get. I love to stay up late most especially in the summer time. I don't have a job, right now I am a student in highschool that seems to be my main responsiblity. I wish I had a job, i need one for sure. Yet, on most summer nights I just lay awake and wonder what will become of my life after I leave the small town in which I now reside. I dream big always, thats just something I do and I am driven by huge amounts of passion to do better and try harder. I want to be the best at whatever I am. I really truly hope that this last year of high school i can find out what it is that I am so very great at that I should make a career out of it. I love to do so many different things so I don't want to put limitations upon myself. I really love art. I am fairly good at it as well. I think I might work towards a career in that area. I don't know but for now I will be happy where I am at. May you all sleep well tonight!

I just joined and so far it seems like a fairly good blogging site. I am an expert in this if I do say so myself, because i am a member of so many blogging sites. Anyway something things that should always be included on a blogging site essentials if you will are
HTML and CSS customization for both blog entrys the layout and the comments
it makes it a lot more fun if you can add in all that extra stuff. Photos are also a plus and videos. I once again as I said am new to this site but I am expected great things from Live Journal. I have been meaning to do research that would lead me to find the world's best blogging site. Thus far my experience tells me that it is Myspace because of all the influence and features it has. I also enjoy Bebo it's a little less extravagent and doesn't allow HTML. MsN spaces are perfect for nubbies and thats about all. I do also like Blogger but its not as customizabe either. I really love blogs and I just think it is so neat to try different ones out and see which one suits your style the best!